Batman can be my new mentor
Thank you, so much, for making me hate the things I love.
I can’t stand to look at artistic things with words written on them, because I feel like I’m indulging in emo- faggotry.
I hated calling my cat her name because you didn’t like it.
I hate myself every time I say’ ow’, or ‘well…’, or ‘ I don’t know’ or ‘I’m sorry’. I feel like a pathetic waste of life that cannot learn from my mistakes.
I hate that so many of the things I think are important or deep mean nothing to you. And I feel that you don’t even recognize that they hold value to me.
But I suppose I don’t do that for you. I don’t listen very well. I can’t remember things. I know you try, but you want instant validation. I want that too.
I hate myself when I interrupt you, or get caught up in my emotions and can barely talk. Or when I pointlessly argue.
I hate that my mind always looks like thoughts whirling around in a vast washing machine full of cloudy water. I usually lose them before I can complete them.
I can change. Jut not with you around. It becomes so much harder because I spend my energy fighting you and fighting myself, than making it easy on myself and not having to fight you.
And I miss you when I’m not around you.
It sickens me the wrongs you have done to me, and to Kelsey. She and I both deserve better. I hope she knows that.
I can’t believe how naive I still am, even in the face of you stealing from my most treasured place. From your lies that you weave so beautifully and seamlessly. How can I ever know if you are lying or telling the truth? You seem real, but maybe like Chloe, you are just a believable liar. And maybe you really did force her. You have almost done it to me. And I’ve heard you on the phone with Kelsey… so controlling.
But I could go on, except for the plank in my eye, it’s making it hard to see.
I do indeed sometimes stab you in the weak points because I feel like I’ve put up with so much, that I’d rather like to be like everyone else, and actually say what I want to. Instead of just trying to not let it bother me but failing and trying to absorb all the hurt, like a kick to the guts, and pretend it doesn’t hurt.
And I want to try to remember not to take what you say as a personal attack. You are actually trying to help me. But pointing out my failures reminds me that I’ve failed. And failing sucks.
Why do we fall down? So we can get back up. If I don’t remember that all the time, I’ll never be as cool as batman.
I think he can be my new mentor. :)
I wish I could just fall asleep and die… It seems like it would be welcome. The stillness, the silence, the quiet, the dark. It seems like it would be so comfortable, to be embraced by the dark, enveloping arms of death.
But I must walk the path of the living for now. I wish I could just go insane though. Go live in my own little world.
