i just realized…. I don’t matter.
no one does. almost everyone is a repeat. all thinking they are doing their own thing, so god-damned original. but they are all the same. yet so different.
when you fall in love, no one ever seems the same. no one is going to replace them. no one is going to do the same little motions, have the same feel. i read something today.
“It’s funny your muscles have a sort of memory about them. That’s why you can tie your shoes or play piano without looking, but then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other, you know, the warmth of your back, the pace of your heart beat, your ticklely eyelashes, and the way your fingers would curl up in sequence as I used to play with your palm.
Another person is like moving to a new country where you don’t know the language. It’s a scary thing.” It’s from To Claire: From Sonny.
People are so individual, yet so fucking different. How can I be replaced? How can I not be that replacement girl? I don’t have the same connection. Same goddamn serenity to take things so easily. To be so strong.
And the other girl looks like me. Acts like me. Does jujitsu and photography and she laughs like me.
When will I learn to let things go?
when oh when…
When I start. Its not going to magically happen. duh.
All the answers are right in front of me. I just dont want to see them, because somewhere i feel like letting go is wrong, is letting someone get away with it, or meaning you dont care anymore. But maybe thats what I should do.
I should stop being so fatalistic. throwing myself into despair about things.
