smoky the bear and invisible walls
well i’m high right now. not sure if thats good or bad. i really can’t type well. also i’m very tired.
This is a bit of a struggle to write.
I’m glad im high because it canted my normal frame of mind on the world off just a bit, and allowed me to see something that was invisible from the previous angle. I build invisible walls. when stoned, im easy going and making friends doesnt feel awkward. i purposley distance myself from people and believe that they are better friends with eachother than with me. But it doesnt have to be that way. I add that. I don’t touch other people unless im dating them usually. doesnt have to be that way. I try to control my emotions better because I think thats what theyare doing, but in the end i usually end up crushing them down better, too much even, and I look like I dont care.
And remember, everything in your head, comes out even if you dont say it. Anyone perceptive enough or close enough to you will feel it. Feel the distance.
In other news, I am untrustworthy. Fuck.
Someone once asked me to prove I loved them. Now someone asks me to prove my trustworthyness. I don’t know how to do that. The last person I struggled to prove something to, left me.
Such words.
Left me.
Left.
Me.
meaning my being, my essence, everything that I am and embody, is deserted and utterly alone.
I miss love.
I miss giving it. I miss recieving it. I miss kisses and hand holding. I miss love making.( I really don’t like that word combo, but I don’t know what else to call it. It is sex, but it is SO much more.)
I miss my drug of choice.
I’ve been smoking again. Third day in a row. Too stresses. Nails flaking again, I’m tearing them off too.
Thoughts hazy, but that could be from the drugs. I want to sleep for an eon. And never have to deal with this again.
It must be inevitable, that when people get really close, their relationship begins to break down. They see who eachother really is. And they want to change the other.
Unless they are meant to be married. Or are very established on a self journey, and they have basically become a jedi.
I want to start reading the bible. And religious texts in general. I’m sure there is much to learn and ponder.
but now the struggle to write, to think is overcoming me.
the last thoughts are
my relationship with zeke is swiftly becoming that of mine and mikes just before the end. No one makes sense, everything hurts, but the make up is sweet. then things fall apart again. just a cycle of suffering and confusion and silence punctuated by brief moments of excruciating happiness.
So this is the part where I throw myself at him with all I have in hopes of keeping him. But in the end he might still leave. No matter how much he says he cares.
I’ll just keep smoking the invisible walls away and hope things work out.
best of luck,
me
